im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
