i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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