I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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