My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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