can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
