I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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