I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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