how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
