I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
