My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
