I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
