Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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