'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
