After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
