Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
