i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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