Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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