On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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