Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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