How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
