One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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