Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
