I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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