Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
