My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
