It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
