The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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