Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Randomize
