somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
