Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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