She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
