Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
