why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
