Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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