Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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