just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
