I just saw a hot homeless man
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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