she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My ATM looks so different sober.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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