Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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