Don't you send me to vm
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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