Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
