my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
