I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
