I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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