The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
