Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
