Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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