I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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