dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
