Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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