My room smells like vodka and shame
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
