If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
